Red Light. Green Light.
For the past month, my speech has been coming and going. Nothing new to see here. Having gibberish emerge from my mouth where once there were words is something that I’ve been weathering for the past five years. Most days I take it in stride. Technology does an incredible job of closing the gap. Between text-to-speech apps and good old fashioned texting, my thumbs convey the messages that my lips cannot.
Except, and this is a big except, there are certain days where the magnitude of my inability to think words and have them come across coherently hits me like a ton of bricks. I realize that I’m scared. I always think that the fear is coming from a worry that this is forever. That’s not it though.
Lacking the ability to control my own actions is daunting as is the unpredictability of the situation, a reality that I’m not always willing to admit to myself.
Have you ever lost the capability to regulate your own blinking? Lying in bed motionless with paralysis unsuccessfully willing my eyes to open terrifies me every time. In those moments, I feel truly helpless.
Better question.
Do you remember the days of running across the playground waiting to hear a classmate yell, “Red light!” at which point you abruptly had to stop in your tracks or be ejected from the game? What I’m living feels like the worst game of Red Light, Green Light in existence.
image credit: Let’s Totally Do This by Castle.
